ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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