Yo dont text me then not text me
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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