Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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