"it" just moved
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
