when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
