too bad you live with your parents still
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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