I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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