Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
