Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
even my farts smell like vagina
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
