Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
