Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
