If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
