I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Holy shit dude........stairs
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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