I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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