My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
