Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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