Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
