my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
