3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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