This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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