either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
