I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
