these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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