i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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