I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
