I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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