I'm so fucking centered right now
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
