New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
