Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
