I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
