don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
