she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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