i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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