i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We need to get me chipped asap
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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