How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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