I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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