Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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