The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
