tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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