Yo dont text me then not text me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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