did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
