I have demons in me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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