I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
