I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
