I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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