Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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