I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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