then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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