he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
