SEEEEXXX PLEASE
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
