This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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