This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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